SMILE

Katie bensond@dreamscape.com

Question:   Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer:     To get the Chinese Newspaper.   Do you get it?
Response:   Neither do I.  I get the New York Times.

105625.1163@compuserve.com

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!!

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me something smells!

from Jennifer , Ashley and Allison from Tulsa,Oklahoma USA

Q- What do you call a person who's mad about chocolate ?
A- A coconut.

Q- When does Kermit the frog wake up ?
A- At the croak of dawn.

Knock Knock....Who's there?....Wayne....Wayne who?....Wayne drops keep
falling on my head.

from Mary Green

q: what's red and invisible?
a: no tomatos

q: what's red and drives a tractor?
a: a tomato - I lied about the tractor

q: what's yellow and goes up and down?
a: a lemon in a lift

can't think of any more right now... I hope you like them :)

from mytwobobs

Q.Whats black, hides in a tree and makes alot of noise?
A. A crow with a machine gun.

from the HAWKINS FAMILY

Q.  What do you call a box of writing paper that sits on the table
without moving ?
A.  Stationery

from R Moore

what did tarzan say to jane when he saw the elephants coming?
"look jane, the elephants are coming

We call that one a groaner.

why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
to hide in the cherry tree

Meghan Hofto

Knock, Knock.
Who's there? 
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me a hamburger, I'm starved.

ROGER HORREX


q.When does the sun scream?
A.When it puts sun scream on!

Déborah
Porto Velho, Rondônia, Brazil.


Q.:How can you make an elephant pass under a door? 
A.:Put it into an envelope. 

Q.:Why is the elephant wearing a blue t-shirt? 
A.:'Cause the yellow one is dirty. 
Q.:Why is it wearing a blue pair of tennis shoes? 
A.:'No, not 'cause the yellow one's dirty. - To match the t-shirt. 


Malcolm Phillips
Porto Velho, Rondônia, Brazil.


Q.what do you call a three legged donkey
A.a wonkey

Alfred E. Richner
Q. How do you make a tissue DANCE?

A. You put some buggie into it!

Dan R. Humes
Here are some of my favorite jokes:

Knock!Knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the baftub I'm dwownding!!


How can you tell that there's been an elephant in your refrigerator?
Footprints in your jello.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in the strawberry patches.
Why do elephants hide in the strawberry patches?
'Cause theyv'e been in your refrigerator.


Neil.
Q: Why did the hegdehog cross the road?
A: To see his flat mate.

Q What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A. A wooly jumper

Mary K (peterkon@one.net.au.eeek)
Sydney, Australia.
- Thu Mar 5 16:23:44 GMT 1998
Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting....MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

CSabb (CSabb@aol.com.eek)
(http://)
- Thu Mar 5 16:22:34 GMT 1998
How do you tell the difference between a hen and a rooster?
Throw it some seeds. If she eats it, its a hen. If he eats it, its a rooster.

What starts with T, ends with T, and only has T in it?
A teapot.

What's green, has warts, and goes 1,000 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.

Rachel
Owatonna, MN, USA.
Rachel
Owatonna, MN.
- Tue May 12


KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
ETHER
Ether who?
ETHER BUNNY


KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
SAMOA
Samoa who?
SAMOA ETHER BUNNY


KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
ESTELLE
Estelle who?
ESTELLE SAMOA ETHER BUNNY


KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
CONSUMPTION
Consumption who?
CONSUMPTION BE DONE ABOUT ALL THESE ETHER BUNNIES?

Susan
- Thu Jun 4 01:37:59 BST 1998
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock knock!
Who's THERE?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?
Abigail (slapmefive@webtv.net.eek)
(http://www.monterey.edu/students/geistbridget/world/YBI/abigail.html)
San Jose, California, United Stated.
- Mon Jun 29 18:09:26 BST 1998
Why are blonde jokes only two lines long?
So men can understand them too.

colleen huston (jademermaid@hotmail.com.eek)
- Fri Sep 11 01:13:52 BST 1998
HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVOURITE JOKES.

Teacher: Why are you late for school?

Stupid Pupil: There was a sign.

Teacher: What has a sign got to do with it?

Stupid Pupil: It said school ahead go slow!


What is a spy's favourite game?
I spy!


Boy: Did you know the smartest person in the world is going deaf?

Mum: Really, who is that?

Boy: Pardon?

Sarah McKegney (sarah@mckegneys.freeserve.co.uk.eek)
Belfast, Ireland.
- Sun Oct 11 15:32:22 BST 1998
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.

Steve
- Mon Nov 16 14:03:26 GMT 1998
Q: where does meat go to dance?
A: the meatball

katie
- Aug 3 01:59:02 BST 1999
Q.I ran across the railroad, reading and writeing while it was raining. Can you say that without any R's?
A.That

Olivia M.Gllen-Allen
OklahomaCity, Oklahoma, U.S.A..

- Thu Jul 29 17:49:30 BST 1999
A tortoise gets mugged in an alley by two snails. When the police ask him to tell them what happened, he says: "It all happened so fast"...
dad
- Wed Jul 21 13:41:26 BST 1999
What did the frozen chicken say when someone sat on him?
SQUEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa Johnston
Maine, usa.
- Fri Jun 11 22:58:30 BST 1999
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, and I'll hang around.
Abigail (abigailmax@aol.com.eek)
(http://www.angelfire.com/mo2/abigail)
Missouri, USA.

- Mon Aug 30 20:26:08 BST 1999
What did one frog say to the other frog?
"Time's fun when your having flies!"

"frog" (frog@Adelphia.net.eek)
(http://members.tripod.com/~SpiritSage)
Pittsburgh, Algh. Penn, USA.

- Tue Oct 12 02:34:32 BST 1999
There was a sausage and an egg frying in a pan.
The sausage says "It's hot in here!"
The egg replied, "Aargh! A talking sausage!"

What do you do with a space man?
Park in it, Man.

Kev Dewhirst (kevvoid@yahoo.com.eek)
Preston, Lancashire, England.
- Sat Oct 30 18:25:36 GMT 1999


Q: Where do apple pies go when they've been naughty?
A: Into custardy!

Maddy Shan
- Sun Oct 24 13:44:15 GMT 1999
DO YOU KNOW WHY ESKIMOS WASH THIER CLOTHES INTIDE ? BECAUSE IT IS TOO COLD OUTTIDE.
DR.ROYAL C. FOIL (ROYAL@CCP.COM.eek)
ST.JOE, MO., US.

- Thu Nov 11 16:08:55 GMT 1999
An elderly lady lived in a tall building that had 12 floors. She lived on the top floor and everyday, she went down the elevator to the lobby and out the door to work. After work she came back to the lobby rode the elevator to the 7th floor, got out and walked up the stairs to the 12th floor. Why would she climb the stairs for the last 5 floors? Because she was so short she could only reach the 7th floor button.
Alana Benes (calvin2015@home.com.eek)

Surrey, B.C., Canada.

- Sat Nov 27 21:40:45 GMT 1999
A security guard was assigned a job to watch very expensive rubies carefully. He was told not to take his eyes off of them. One day, while the security guard was day-dreaming he had a dream that a bridge was going to collapse. His boss was going to go on a trip across that bridge and the security guard knew it. So he told his boss not to go on the trip, that day the bridge collasped and his boss gave him a raise and then fired him, why? Because the security guard day-dreamed that the bridge was going to collapse and obviously wasn't keeping an eye on the rubies if he was sleeping during the day!
Alana Benes (calvin2015@home.com.eek)

Surrey, B.C., Canada.

- Sat Nov 27 21:47:33 GMT 1999
Call, Q. This telephone's number 2221122?
A. Is not
Q. Then what You answer?

Aleksandr (alekluka@takas.lt.eek)
(http://)
Vilnius, Lithuania.

- Sun Dec 5 19:59:31 GMT 1999
Susan rode in to town on Tuesday stayed 3 days 2 nightes and rode out on Tuesday?How could she do this?

Answer:Her horses name was Tuesday!
Andrea (Andi'sAcres@.com.eek)
Joppa, Harford,MD, U.S.A..

- Mon Dec 6 16:48:46 GMT 1999


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.

Helen (h.bennett@lancaster.ac.uk.eek)
(http://www.cat-box.net/)
Lancaster, Lancs, UK.

- Sun Jan 9 17:42:04 GMT 2000


Where do cows come from?
Uudersfield

Sorry about the cheesyness but it had to be done.
Some of them jokes are cheesyer than Mr cheese From Cheese castle HA HA HA HA!! NOT

You need FishyCheese

Janine Hawkins
Leeds,

- Thu Jan 13 21:48:03 GMT 2000


knock knock who's there Isobel Isobel who? Isobel on your bike?
maegan jane boyle (maegan@theboyles.co.uk.eek)
doncaster, south york, england.

- Sat Mar 18 16:25:55 GMT 2000
Knock Knock. Whos there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in or I'll kill you!!
April Colledge
Derby, Derbyshire, England.

- Thu Feb 10 20:59:49 GMT 2000
why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side
sarah
sydny, n.s.w, australia.

- Mon Jun 19 05:26:46 BST 2000


Girl: How did you get that black eye?
Boy: You see that door over there?
Girl: Yes
Boy: Well I didn`t!

Milly Saunders
Mevagissey, Cornwall, UK.

- Fri Jun 9 21:59:11 BST 2000
Why did the Lion get lost?
Because Jungle is Massif!

mike (michael.d.l.sutton@student.shu.ac.uk.eek)
Sheffield, Yorkshire, England.
- Wed Nov 29 11:59:43 GMT 2000
"What happens when you dial 666
......the policeman comes upside down"

isabella bruton (isabella@zamboanga.demon.co.uk.eek)
camberwell, london, England.

- Sat Jun 16 14:22:40 GMT 2001
Question: What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?
Answer: Art

Question: Why was the celery blushing?
Answer: He saw the salad dressing

Elizabeth (SunsGirl2000@aol.com.eek)
Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

- Fri Apr 13 01:11:49 GMT 2001


Q. What's green and yellow and has a long neck

A. A Giraffodil
Ian
- Fri Mar 8 12:14:49 GMT 2002


Q: What do you get when you punch holes into a cow?

A: A mess....and you thought i was going to say holy cow haha
slomedon misslopovich
fredericton, NB, canada.

- Thu Sep 13 16:22:54 GMT 2001


Q: What's white & climbs trees? A: A fridge! Q: What's blue and white and climbs trees? A: A fridge with a denim jacket on!! (Tee hee)
Sara JW
(http://)
United Kingdom.

- Fri Nov 15 14:59:08 GMT 2002
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news, which do you want first?
Man : The plain bad news.
Doctor: Well according to tests we conducted, you have 24 hours to live.
Man: WHAT??!?! HOW COULD THAT BE ANY WORSE?!?!?!
Doctor: we have been trying to get hold of you since yesterday.

Jimmy Bee (jimmybee@musicain.org.eek)
(http://)
London, Hampshire, England.

- Wed Oct 16 09:41:44 GMT 2002
Q : What comes at the end of everything?
A : The letter "g"!
A2: A question mark!

Carroll
(http://www.hamradiousa.net)
TN, USA.

- Tue Sep 24 10:02:31 GMT 2002
Q:Which is the LONGEST word in the english dictionary?
A:SMILES - because there is a MILE between each S.

Stevey ((none).eek)
Clarinda, IA, uSA.

- Sat Sep 21 13:25:12 GMT 2002
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ho Ho Ho!
Ho Ho Ho Who?
Ho Ho Ho! Your chimney is out so I have to use the door!

Kelsey
Golden Valley, MN, USA.

- Sun Sep 15 05:32:26 GMT 2002
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heartattacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. What does this information mean?
Go ahead and eat and drink anything you like - apparently, speaking English is what kills you.

Kelsey
Golden Valley, MN, USA.

- Sat Sep 14 18:49:32 GMT 2002
What did the zen master ask the hotdog vender?
Make me one with everything

Garrick Brown
South Bend, IN, USA.

- Mon Aug 19 17:52:07 GMT 2002
Q: What do you call a man with a bird on his head?
A: CLIFF

Q: What do you call a reindeer with three legs?
A: EILEEN

Q: What is pink and hard in the morning?
A: The Financial Times crossword!

Q: What is pink and hangs out your trousers? A: Your Mum!

(hope you find these last two funny and not rude!)
Carolyn
Newbury, Berks, England.

- Tue Aug 6 18:11:41 GMT 2002


This is from my little brother. Hes 8 and thinks its hilarious.

Why DIDNT the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no GUTS!!

Why are blonde jokes always so short??
So brunettes can understand them!!

(I hope that doesnt offend anyone)
Holly (sadie8899@hotmail.com.eek)
Texas, U.S.A.

- Sun Mar 2 16:58:01 GMT 2003


Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because there horns don't work

Vandhana Samlal (princess_vannie@hotmail.com.eek)
Chaguanas, Trinidad.

- Sun Feb 23 21:38:27 GMT 2003
Q. what do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A. Deyerthinkesaurus

mick
- Thu Jan 2 13:20:01 GMT 2003
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall? Dam

One day a blonde went to an eletronics store and went up to the sales man and said sir I would like to buy that tv and the sales man said "I'm sorry ma'am we don't sell that set to blondes." The blonde then left the store in anger. The next morning the blond went back to the store with a brown wig on and said to the same salesman "I would like to buy that tv." and the salesman said "I'm sorry ma'am we don't sell that set to blondes. At this point the blondes is furious. The next day the blondes goes back to the store with a red wig on this time, and says to the same salesman "I would like to buy that tv." the salesman then replies "I'm sorry ma'am we don't sell that set to blondes." Now the blonde was so furious that she tore off the wig and asked the salesman how he knew she was a blonde and he said "That's not a tv it's a microwave."

Garrick the Great

Neptune Beach, FL, USA.

- Sat Jul 12 02:19:12 GMT 2003
What's the definition of Blu-tack?
Smurf poo!

Martha
(http://)
Twickenham, London, UK.

- Fri Jul 4 15:28:00 GMT 2003
A friend of mine in London has a young grand daughter. She told him this joke: Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes. hahaha :)

michael

philly, pa, usa.

- Sat Apr 19 09:01:09 GMT 2003
Saddam has just given a TV interview.
He said "To prove I am still alive, Sunderland were totally awful on Saturday.

British Government Officials said - "That could have been recorded months ago............."
Gaz
(http://)
Lancaster, UK.

- Fri Apr 11 10:48:17 GMT 2003


Q.Why did the man with one hand cross the road
A.To get to the scecond hand shop

leanne bartley
Isle of man,

- Thu Nov 6 12:26:52 GMT 2003
Q.Why did the skelloton run up the tree
A.Because the dog was after the bones

lucy Downey

Isle of man,

- Thu Nov 6 12:24:24 GMT 2003
How many elephants can you get in a Mini Cooper?
4,2 in the front and 2 in the back!
Yes,but how many giraffes can you get in a Mini Cooper?
None,it's full of elephants!!!!!!!

Phil Adlem
Leicester, U K.

- Mon Oct 13 12:47:30 GMT 2003
once there was an English man, Irish man and a Scotish man . The Englishman found a lamp and rubbed it, and a Genie popped out. The Jenie said, "Whatever you say when you go down that slide you will get!" So the Englishman went down and said, "Beer!", and he found barrels of beer at the bottom. The Scottish man went down and said, "Gold!", and found bars of gold at the bottom. The Irishman went down and cried, "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!" and he landed in ...

Burnley, Lancashire, UK.

- Sun Oct 12 12:52:29 GMT 2003
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Nd something that really bugs me...

Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
Kate (but not the Kate whose site this is!)
- Wed May 26 14:38:28 GMT 2004


A man is driving along a gravel road one rainy day when he gets stuck in a ditch and can't get his car out. He sees a farmer plowing in a nearby field with his horse and decides to ask him for some assistance. The farmer said he would be glad to help him out and so brings his horse over and hitches him to the man's car. The farmer then begins yelling "Come on Joker you can do it! Pull Smokey pull! Lets go Silver! Okay Benny." and the horse pulls the man's car out of the ditch. The man thanks the farmer graciously but asks him just one question. "Why did you call out all of those horses names when you only had one horse doing the pulling?" The farmer replied that Benny was blind and unless he thought all the other horses were doing their fair share of the work he woundn't even try.
Evelyn
duluth, mn, USA.
- Wed May 26 06:40:40 GMT 2004
A little Irish man goes into a bar in Dublin and orders three beers, he takes them over to a table and proceeds to drink them by taking a sip from each one in turn. When he finishes them he goes back to the bar and orders three more beers. The barman suggests that it would be better if he ordered the beers seperately, but the Irish man explains that he has two brothers one living in Australia and one in the States, and that at the same time every day they go into a bar and all do the same thing."it's like we're having a drink together", he explains. This goes on for two to three months when one day the Irish man only orders two beers. The barman thinks that one of the brothers has died and goes over to offer his condolences. "Oh no" says the Irish man," they're both O.K., I've given up drinking"
Colin Stangroom
Argyll, Scotland.
- Mon May 3 10:35:43 GMT 2004

.....More Jokes Welcome.....

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